Fantasy Football Recap: Week 7

Another week, another full slate of idiot plays and boneheaded mistakes. But before we look at some of the stupidity that spilled out all over the football field, I want to take a quick gander at what might have been the dumbest fantasy trade in the history of the game.


WLAF traded Dallas Clark*, Ind to Hurr
WLAF traded Austin Collie*, Ind to Hurr
WLAF traded Sidney Rice*, Min to Hurr
Hurr traded Matt Forte, Chi to WLAF
Hurr traded Braylon Edwards, NYJ to WLAF
Hurr traded Heath Miller, Pit to WLAF
Hurr traded Louis Murphy, Oak to WLAF

When this trade took place, it was more or less known that Dallas Clark was done for the year. But even if you're the kind that says, "F*ck it! Let's roll the dice anyways and hope that Jesus is a Colts fan," Clark hasn't exactly been lighting up the scoreboard. Imagine you're the CEO of a company and some adviser comes up to you and says, "Hey, boss, there's this little village right next to an angry volcano on a violently unstable fault line, and I think it'd be a great place to build a mutant dinosaur tourist resort. We can just shift our capital investment away from some safe and profitable enterprise like girl scout cookies and throw a bunch of cash at our scientists from the Umbrella corporation. How about it?!" Well, that just happened in our beloved little league, and the CEO replied,"Hell yeah!"

What could possibly go wrong?

On another note, I woke up on Sunday and decided I was tired of watching 1 or 2 mediocre football games on network television, so I called up Direct TV ordered the Redzone channel. It was the greatest football experience I've ever had the benefit of enjoying. If you like the NFL, the Redzone channel is an absolute necessity. There were over 40 turnovers in the early slate of games and I was able to catch every single one. All 4 of DeAngelo Hall's INTs, all 4 of Drew Brees' INTs, including his two pick-sixes, all of the absurd turnovers the Chargers committed, Ben Rapistberger's goal line fumble, the wild Ravens-Bills game with Ed Reed's welcome back INT, and more. Better yet, with the exception of the Saints-Browns game, all of the early games were one score affairs, and I was able to follow them until the end. One channel, all of the games. It's like crack.

Here...we...go...

Syriac Miaphysites 33
Hollywood Hulk Hogan 34

Before Manningham's screen TD reception...

When 4 to 6 of your offensive starters are sitting on the bench because of a shared bye week, losing by 1 is actually quite an accomplishment. Wayne, Johnson, Keller/Daniels, LT, and Nick Folk were all out. I thought I'd actually have a nice kicking day, given that one of the best long range kickers was playing in Denver, but the hapless Raiders decided to set all sorts of offensive records and kick the living shit out of the Broncos, so no dice...

Offensive genius

After...

HAHA! Bitches! B-R-A-N-D-O-N! Brandon is great! Brandon is great! Brandon-Brandon-Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrandon! HAIL. HAIL. HAIL. 6 starters on the bench don't mean shit when you're goin' up against the boys in black! NWO 4 Life! Post-game party at the Lock Up! w00t!

TOOOOOOOOOO SWEET!

Shout out to Corey's QB, Aaron Rodgers; thanks for the INT to Jared Allen (396). Hollywood's pass catchers put up the big money points, as is usual with this team. Hakeem Nicks had 108 yards and 2 TDs on 9 receptions. Mario Manningham scored a TD on a SICK screen play. Todd Heap exploited the worst defense against Tight Ends for two TDs. Chad Ochocinco backed up some trash talk and smacked Ian IN THE FACE with 473 points, 108 yards, and a TD.

Hollywood's punter out scored both team RBs, 304 vs. 220. Oddly enough, he outscored Manningham too.

Watching the Vikings-Packers game, I was actually disappointed when the replay overturned Percy Harvin's would-be game-winning touchdown catch. It would have cost me a fantasy game, true, but I really can't stand Green Bay fans, and losing a fantasy game would have been worth letting them suffer another Brett Favre beatdown. Here's why: Favre played on Green Bay for 40 or 50 years and took the team to two Super Bowls, winning one. His exit was political, true enough, but Super Bowl winning QBs deserve better.

Look at Eli Manning. He was roasted by the New York media right up until the moment he won SB XLII. Then, at the drop of a hat, he became a hero. That's New York we're talking about. Not the loyal, virtuous, all-American Midwest. NEW FREAKING YORK. Do you think Colts fans would ever, ever boo Peyton Manning if, at age 40, he went to the Patriots or Titans and then returned to his old stomping grounds to compete against Indy? Not a damn chance. In fact, most Colts fans would probably switch over. I think you'd honestly have a home crowd cheering him on as he torched their defense for 6 scores. Not in Green Bay, though. As a defeated Brett Favre was limping out of the place he made matter to everyone with cheese on their head, a storm of boos pelted him from every angle. I almost expected to see beer bottles and streams of toilet paper rainbowing towards the old man.

This will never get old.

Seriously though, Brett Favre's career is eerily similar to Hulk Hogan's. Let's count a few ways. Both started out as fan favorites. Both have had legendarily huge heel turns to former arch enemies. Hogan wore the red and yellow. Bret wore the green and yellow. Both feuded with glittery, high profile opponents: Favre with the Cowboys, Hogan with Ric Flair. Both were exceptionally charismatic, Hogan with his running around and driving the fans wild, Favre with his running around and driving the fans wild. Both had a chance to hold "double championships" and failed, Hogan at Wrestlemaina VI, Favre at Super Bowl XXXII. Both have struggled with leg injuries late in their careers. And, most importantly, both grew gray heel beards after they turned. Does anyone else want to see Favre win the SB, hoist the Lombardi trophy, and then bust out a can of spray paint and mark it up with a big purple penis before leaving the stadium in a black limo to SRV's version of Voodoo Child, with Randy Moss giving the nWo longhorn sign out the top of the sky window? I do.

That's alright, though, Packers fans have Aaron Rodgers, who has to be about 2-900 in close games. For the record, most great QBs are .500 in close games. Brady is unique; since 2005, he's 23-11 (64%) in games decided by 8 points or less.

Peyton Manning is 36-7.

"That's 83%, bitch."

Props to LaBarbera: The Syriac Miaphysites are a legit team because of his extra dedication to our league. They were a Brett Favre Jr. away from winning the game. The Rapist, Hines Ketchup, NIU's own Michael Turner, and Percy Harvin all did what they had to do, and almost grabbed a win. Ralston, IMHO, needs to learn something about finishing what he starts, because this isn't exactly a first offense.


Speaking of NIU, the Huskies received 1 Top 25 vote this week. Florida received 2.

Question: Could someone tell me how Carolina LB James Anderson scored 380.1 points when his stat sheet shows 7 tackles and nothing more?

Shameless self-promotion: DeAngelo Williams is getting kicked out of the nWo. He's on the trading block. He was a 1st round pick and I'm giving up on him. If you want some depth for your flex spot, offer me a trade.

Team Stewie 22
Mandalore Ori'ramikade 39

Let's all take a minute to point and laugh at Cary, the one Redskins fan in the league, who didn't see that DeAngelo "I'll risk a 99 yard TD pass for an INT" Hall was going up against Jay "I'll risk a 99 yard TAINT for a PB&J sandwich" Cutler. 4 INTs, 1340 points. But it wouldn't have even mattered. Team Stewie got pounded so hard that an NFL record 4 INTs wouldn't have saved the game. YO! Earth to Cary! Matt Hasselbeck and Ryan Fitzpatrick were on the waiver wire. Fantasy veterans such as yourself ought to know about bye weeks and the havoc they can wreak. Check your players on Tuesday and start making those vital roster moves. You'll get no sympathy from the Bunny on your QB situation, especially not with the bye week insanity that I had to deal with. I'm not totally clear on why Cory gave in on this.

  No, my new Ultimate Warrior t-shirts have nothing to do with the recap.

Injuries have opened our league for the taking. The Mandalore Ori'ramikade won't have Tony Romo for about 8 weeks, and DeSean Jackson's concussion is anyone's best guess. Visanthe Shiancoe will either have a crippled Brett Favre throwing him TD-not-TD-passes or Tarvaris doing whatever he does. Chris Johnson's numbers are never as good with Collins at QB compared to VY, and Pierre Thomas remains injured. In short, injuries have gone Castle Wolfenstein on the two top teams.

West Lafayette Kings 29
Marion Federation 16

Corey, the fantasy football gods see your King Triton and raise you...

One Ursula

Talk about divine punishment for violating Matthew Berry's 10 Commandments, your team just got the plague spayed all over them. Let's recap: Aaron Rodgers loses his starting tail back and tight end, plus Donald Driver get injured. Dallas Clark gets placed on IR. Austin Collie undergoes surgery on his thumb or something and gets knocked out for at least 1 game, which happens to be against the worst pass D in the league. Then, just when you think it's all over, just when you think the fantasy gods have had their fill, BOOM Tony Romo gets knocked the fuck out! What's that sound? It's Miles Austin's stock crashing into the turf, right along with that dropped TD pass on MNF. You're just lucky you found someone crazy enough to buy some of your toxic assets, and by crazy, I mean f*cking stupid.

F*cking stupid

The Marion Federation really sucked a nut this week, and they might just figure to keep it in their mouth all season long. Manning has lost some important targets (though it is a safe bet he will put this team on his shoulders and carry them to the playoffs), Joe Addai has really taken a beating, Roy Williams lost Tony Romo, and Michael Crabtree lost Alex Smith (say whatever you want about Smith, he had found some chemistry with Crabtree, and he's better than David Carr). Look for Troy Smith to get some playing time in SF...Who?

This guy

I suggest a name change, Wes, something fun. After all, if you aren't winning, you might as well be creative.

Creativity

Shomer Shabbos 30
CrabAppleCove Surgeons 42

Ah, the old Tom Brady is back: 19-32, 159 yards, 1 TD. Vintage Brady. Strange that he scored 407 points, though. Joe Flacco was 16-31, 3 TDs, 250 yards, no turnovers, and only scored 484. I don't get how that gap isn't wider. Dave, I'm sure, is wondering the same thing. But it wouldn't have been an issue if he had started Carson Palmer, who scored 1006 points. Leaving a performance like that on the bench stings.

HAR, HAR, HAR!

If I'm managing the Shomer Shabbos, I'm starting DeMarcus Ware (289, SCK, FF, FR) every week he plays. There are some guys you just don't want to have to regret not starting. If Dave Ball has a legendary day, you can say, "Well who the Hell saw that coming?" If DeMarcus Ware goes all Derrick Thomas and scores 7 sacks in one game, you just look at the ground, sigh, and say "shit." Don't out think yourself. A good rule of thumb is to take talent over match ups.

Here's an illustration: For the MASH boys, Roddy White (712, 201 YDS, 2 TDs) whipped out that black rod again and went all porn star on the Bengals, finding the open spots, grabbing balls, and not quitting until the big finish. True story: The Bengals have one of the best corner back tandems in the NFL. Lesson: Take talent over match ups.

The only other point of interest from this game is the performance of the kickers, both scoring exactly 614.9, which is a f*cking ton. 

The Titans trail by 14 points. 0:01 left on the clock. 

The ball is snapped, the kick is up, it looks good, it is! 

The Titans win 38-17!

Philly Spider's Squad 33
Abbasid Caliphs 23

Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse!

Drew Brees: 4 INTs, 2 TAINTS, both to a preposterously slow lineman turned linebacker named Dave Bowens, which happens to be the same name as Brees' son, Bowen, who was born just a few days ago. 'Tis the season! Madden Curse! Spooky!

It's like joining the Raiders.

In other news, Ryan Matthews (81.3) is starting to look like a downgrade from LT for the Chargers. He has been a complete non-factor so far this season. But the "non-factor" problem seems to be a real issue for the Caliphs: Umenyiora and Clay Mathhews combined for 60 points. Brandon Lloyd had a piddly 99.1. And, get this, Steve Smith scored -5.5. There was a Gregg Jennings sighting on MNF, which gives Tim some reason to smile. On the upside, Tim didn't start Jay Cutler (96.5), who is starting to look worse than Kyle Orton, you know, the guy who the Bears got rid of in order to bring in...wait for it...wait for it...Jay Cutler.


For the Phillies, Steven Jackson had another solid game. Ryan Torain gained yards, but not points (130). TO's still got it (405). Conner Barth led all players with 600 points. He's a kicker, and he had three 30s and a 50. To put this in perspective, Adrian Peterson has scored 600 or more only twice (608, 810), Chris Johnson has done it only once (690).

East London Springboks 35
Fort Wayne Hurricanes 30

Run-DMC, baby! 10 TDs, 9,000,000 points, and the Fort Wayne Hurricanes walk away with a...loss? WTF? Not only that, but the Springboks left Dez Bryant (3 TOT TD, 574) on the bench. With a performance like McFadden's, you basically need Wade Phillips to lose that game, or a monumental collapse at every other position. Well...91, 191, 115, 184, 138, 210, 135, and 29.

The Springboks really had some nice all around scoring, and if Romo's collarbone hadn't ruined Dez Bryant's fantasy potential, they could be even more dangerous. The bad news for Hirschy is that Deion Branch is who we thought he was, and Marques Colston still hasn't shown that he can score points that aren't in garbage time. But those aren't bad problems to have.

Other thoughts...

John Kitna and Roy Williams are back in business down in Dallas! 2010 Cowboys = 2007 Lions.

Anyone notice the similarities between the Cowboys and Chargers? Both are 3 1/2 years after legendary in-your-face head coaches, and both have lost their talent, have failed to develop young players, have committed stupid mistakes, and have no one to blame but themselves for their putrid records. If I'm building a franchise, I'll take a Bill Parcells and a Josh Freeman-type QB over a Norv Turner and a Phillip Rivers, every single time.

That'll do it. The Madden Pick 'Ems will probably be late again for no better reason than sheer laziness.