Fantasy Football Recap: Week 5

This was the week of the ass-kickers vs. the ass-kickees.

4-0 vs. 1-3
4-0 vs. 0-4
3-1 vs. 0-4
3-1 vs. 1-3
3-1 vs. 2-2
3-1 vs. 0-4

20-4 vs. 4-20. Something had to give.

I won't reference the "Miracle on Ice" since I did that last week and double dipping so soon seems like cheating. Instead, this should suffice to capture the spirit of the week.

Don't worry, Eric. I didn't forget about you.

18-1

Shomer Shabbos (4-0) Dave Boyer 45

Runnin' Wild Hulkamaniacs (1-3) Brandon Harnish 39

As the disgruntled and misty eyed owner of what I still consider to be a championship contender in the Hulkamaniacs, let me defend my boys by saying we've suffered from a bit of bad luck. We've never scored below 31 points, but we've "given up" over 40 in all of our loses but one, the exception being a 34-33 nut suck of a game.

Hulkamania, noooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

I'll admit, I'm writing this intro before MNF, where LT, Randy Moss, Dustin Keller, Shaun Ellis, and Ryan Longwell will do their thing. I could win this game (long shot though it is). But I feel like the football gods are in on this one. Last night, Vernon Davis had about 3 yards at halftime. After 49er fans started throwing feces at Alex Smith, the duo exploded for 104 yards and a TD. Watch Ryan Longwell have one of those classic "I get paid millions to kick a ball between two posts but tonight I'm just not feeling it" implosions. Or watch the game devolve into a 16-14 shit-slop spectacular. If I win this game and the East London Adventurers hold on tonight (which is very likely), it will mean that every team with a losing record pulled the upset. It's a 6 team parlay. The odds are probably worse than 40-1.

Never tell me the odds.

After the game...

Joe Flacco somehow scored 497, even though he only threw for 196 yards with 1 rushing TD.

Philip Rivers fumbled twice, too busy wrapping his hands around his neck to wrap them around the football. Three times this year Rivers has had the ball in the 4th quarter with a chance to win the game and three times he has flopped - makes me wish he hadn't hurt his ACL in 2007 vs. the Colts. Damn you Billy Volek. Rivers technically scored -181 points, given that he finished with 737 but gave Malcom Floyd (on the Shabbos) 918. The Hulkamaniacs had their own rape-u-thru-the-air receiver in Hakeem Nicks (130 YDS, 2 TDs, 940). Nicks, by the way, was plucked off the waiver tree in week 2. Reggie Wayne, brought in via trade, had 370 points, which more or less offset the 403 by the injured Andre Johnson.

Donald Driver and Randy "Your hair makes you look like a girl" Moss went head to head. Moss won.

DeAngelo Williams stunk up the place with 229 points and that's all I'm going to say about that. His opposition, Jahvid Best, struggled with turf toe and managed 364. Meanwhile, LaDainian Tomlinson is shaping up to be the greatest ever 10th round draft pick (326). In other news, Ryan Longwell is getting fired. No FG attempts means no effin' job.

The Shabbos won the linebacker battle 335-204. The Hulkamaniacs won the punting battle 304-285. And the Farve-Moss connection wasn't enough to get it done. Keller was the killer, though. 2 receptions for 14 yards loses games.

That's the story of how Hulkamania died and a gay robot beat Han Solo.

THE ODDS WIN!

The scene on the field was an ugly one... Shit's gonna get crazy later today. Stay tuned.

Philly Spider's Squad (0-4) Ian Johnston 48

Gotham Knights (4-0) Corey Palmer 38

Upset!

King Corey and his Knights have fallen!

Mommy!

The 0-4 Spiders pulled the upset of the week over the 4-0 Knights. Kyle Orton and Terrell Owens scored the big points (745 and 650, respectively), and everyone else chipped in with solid performances. Steven Jackson had a nice 114 yard day for 336. Cedric Benson ran for 144 and a two point conversion, 456. Ryan Torain was an intelligent start, but he'll likely go the way of Brandon Jackson, reminding us that being black isn't a substitute for actual talent (40 YDS, 282). Calvin Johnson had 54 yards and a TD - almost 2 - for 376. Chris Cooley grabbed a whole bunch of balls. The defense put up some nice numbers and even Jay Feeley made 3 FGs. Remember when he missed 3 game winners in a row? All around effort FTW.

Not this year.

The Knights were 4-0 for a reason, though. They scored 38 points and didn't go down lightly. Michael Bush found playing time and put up the numbers we knew he could (104 YDS, TD, 525). Luckily for Miles Austin, there's no column for dropped passes that turn into INTs, so he looked flawless with 166 yards and a TD for 882 points. Steve Smith had 89 yards and a TD for 522. The killers were Fred Jackson with 177, Dallas Clark with 145, and Eddie Royal with 206. Who would have thought a gimpy dog could outscore Eddie Royal?

Gimpy dog, on the bench

It also didn't help matters that Ronde Barber went to a Carson Palmer INT buffet and didn't partake in the feast.

Patrick Willis is normally a top ranked linebacker, and more than likely he will be when the year is done. But I haven't been too impressed with him so far. Though he did have a vicious 4th down goal line tackle against the Saints a few weeks ago, last night he was the invisible man and his 204 points remind us of that fact. 

So what did we learn from this game? Ian wasn't kidding when he said that Philly was going to show up this week. The sun is definitely shining in Philadelphia.

Team Stewie (3-1) Cary Brown 26

Syriac Miaphysites (0-4) Johnathon Ralston | Timothy LaBarbera 30

Upset!

A rather unspectacular game, the equivalent of a late season Sorgi Bowl, at least until the last half of MNF where Harvin and Favre skeet skeet skeeted all over the Jet Jet Jets. Favre: 264 YDS, 3TDs, TAINT. Harvin: 97 YDS, 2 TDs. By the way, the line was the Jets by 4.5. They were up 2 when Favre threw the pick 6. In keeping with this week's theme, that was a miracle cover.

As a reviewer, you never like to see "empty" in a position slot. Cary tells me that a technical problem on ESPN.com is to blame. I believe him, and it wouldn't have mattered much anyways. Plug Garcon in there and it's 26 points instead of 23. Still not enough.

Team Stewie struggled in all areas but TE; Antonio Gates put up 500 points. At RB, the effort was black hole abysmal. Cadillac Williams and Marion Barber scored under 100 points. Frank Gore fumbled the ball twice. At WR, the point total was 208. And everyone else sucked too. With 23 total points, there isn't much left to say.

     
At long last, the Syriac Miaphysites enter the win column. Thanks be to Tim for taking over John's team. We all understand how stressful and difficult it can be managing a fantasy football team, what with Educational Ministries being such a challenging major. It takes a lot of prayers, vitamins, and training. We here at the Sports Bunny wish John the best. Don't work too hard, buddy.

Other than Favre and Harvin, the only others performances worth mentioning were NIU alum Michael Turner's 140 yards, Larry Fitzgerald's 93 yards, and Brent Celek's 47 yards and TD: 313, 327, 455.

Don't expect Cary to care too much, though...

The Redskins won. Hail! Hail! Hail!

CrabAppleCove Surgeons (3-1) Eric Sell 28

Fort Wayne Hurricanes (1-3) Josh Koiner 46

Upset!
 
Hello, Matt Forte! Someone came out of hibernation (166 YDS, 2 TDS, and 2 REC for 22 YDS, 791.9). Good thing for the Bears (and Hurricanes) that he did, because the corpse of Todd Collins threw 6 completions to 4 interceptions. That's a bad TD/INT ratio, let alone completion/INT ratio. To put it in perspective, Peyton Manning was 393/16 in 2009.

Ray Rice (133 YDS, 2 TDs, and 4 REC for 26 YDS, 729.5) pounded Denver like a rapist bear.

Actual footage

Things didn't go too well for the Surgeons. Roddy White had a sexy game, and so did Danny Amendola (who?), but Kevin Walter, Jermichael Finley (injured), Trent Cole, Curtis Lofton, Brandon Meriweather (bye), and Billy Cundiff all scored under 161 points. Mighty Mouse MJD managed only 271 against the 85' Bears. Oh, did I say 85' Bears? I meant the Bills.

Head coach of the 49ers, pictured bottom right

East London Adventurers (2-2) Jeff Hirschy 28(52.1)

Mandalore Ori'ramikad (3-1) Jordan Binkerd 28(76.3)

I'm going to start with a question: How can CJ2K rush for 131 yards, pick up 2 TDs, and only score 493 points? Yes, he had a fumble, but it seems strange that a performance like that was basically doubled by Hakeem Nicks, who had 130 yards receiving and 2 TDs for 940. It's also a little freakin' rediculous that Joe Flacco scored 497 with only 196 passing yards, 20 rushing yards, and 1 TD. These numbers fail the eyeball test.

On to the game...

Hey-Zeus! This was the closest game of the week and possibly of the season. Last night the score was 2876.3 to 2832.1...and then it got closer...

And closer...

On the side of the Ori'ramikad, the biggest surprise was Anquan Boldin being held to 8 yards on 1 reception for 51.5 points; Champ Baily is still a monster. Just know it's always a gamble when you start no. 1 receivers against Revis, Asomugha, and Baily.

But at least this dude isn't around anymore.

Tony Romo would have left this game at a more reasonable distance if he hadn't lost 300 points from interceptions. You only get 60 for a passing TD! That kills. That's utterly devastating. I'd love to see how the outcomes of these games would change under the standard scoring format. Hell, I'd probably be 0-5. But it'd still be interesting. Can it be done?

Marcedes Lewis caught two TD passes for 54 yards (496). TIME OUT. Marcedes? Okay, did his parents mean to name him after the car but eff up the spelling? Seriously, Marcedes? Anyways...

Everyone on the ELA put up pedestrian numbers. Matty Ice was ice cold (187 YDS, TD, FUML, 355.1). Arian Foster, Dez Bryant, and Chad Ochocinco all had less than 30 total yards. Adrian Peterson had a chance to win this game on MNF. I remember that sometime during the game he dropped a pass. If he makes the catch, even for 0 yards, this game goes the other way. Yeah, it was that close.

Too close!

By the way, if you ever need an image of the Colts horseshoe, just Google "so close" and select clip art...

*sigh*

Abbasid Caliphs (0-4) Timothy LaBarbera 37

Marion Federation (3-1) Wesley Williams 35

Upset!

The Madden Curse showed no mercy to the Abbasid Caliphs' QB; Drew Brees scored a meager 264 with 3 INTs against the piddly but somehow 3-2 Arizona Cardinals. Marion's Peyton Manning didn't fare much better. 2 fewer INTs, but no touchdowns against a surprisingly difficult Kansas City defense.

How bad was Drew Brees? Here is his owner on the matter, before and after Brees' pick 6 with 30 seconds left in the game:

Timothy LaBarbera (Oct 10 6:31 PM): Brees better do something with this drive

Timothy LaBarbera (Oct 10 6:31 PM): or might completely lose my sanity

*Pick 6*

Timothy LaBarbera (Oct 10 6:41 PM): GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

At RB, both teams settled for the ugly girl. Flat chested, no ass, pig nose. Joe Addai was body slammed midway through the first half and never returned. Correll Buckhalter is on one of the worst running teams in football, and he had 13 yards to remind us, just in case we forgot. Jamaal Charles had 87 yards rushing against a Colts linebacking corp that's still in preseason mode. But Antoine Bethea is in jack-ur-ass mode. He channeled his inner Bob Sanders and launched into Charles for a nasty forced fumble. As for Ryan Matthews, it's too soon to call him a bust, but injury issues this early are not a good sign.

I'm not sayin'. I'm just sayin'.

At WR, things got a little hotter. Big tits, nice ass, pelvis crushing thighs. Brandon Lloyd had a monster game for the Caliphs (135 YDS, 2 TDs, 800.4). Santana Moss and Roy Williams responded for Marion with 500 points a piece. But Mark Clayton suffered a season ending injury, which is a definite blow to the Abbasid depth chart.

Too bad for the Marion Federation INTs don't get style points. Julius Peppers' pick against his old team was just sick. I give it an 800.

At any rate, a nice week from Tim. Two wins from your two teams is pretty sweet...even if neither of them scored as much as the Hulkamaniacs...GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

That wraps it up!

Thanks for reading. In case you didn't notice, Sunday was a special day. It was 10-10-10. So I ask: What rating did Billy Bob give Miss Davis' strip tease?

Perfection

If you haven't watched Varsity Blues, go watch it now. And then come back for the Madden Pick 'Ems, and the earth shattering news that will rock the foundations of our fantasy league.