Fantasy Football Recap: Week 6

This week our beloved little league stirred the wrath-pot of the fantasy football gods. Way too many managers are swimming around in slimy shit and throwing it at everyone. I won't post a picture because I don't want a bunch of vomit all over the place, but I will bring in Rex Ryan, who is FIRED UP about the whore house that was once a proud league of gentleman owners.

Rex Ryan: FIRED. UP.

Ian Johnston, there's a a difference between having fun and being a jackass. Goin' around and talkin' trash, eatin' cheeseburgers, that's being a jackass. You think Corey Palmer is some whore whose name you can smear in shit on the stall of some Alabama truck stop restroom? GTFO, Ian. No way.

Corey Palmer, you whore, you think you can go around chagin' the rules of football just because? Hell no. You stole wins from Cary, you turd. Cary deserves more than that

Cary, you slut, you gave Harnish the Vince McMahon treatment. You got Marshawn Lynch when the deal was for Ryan Torain. I hope you choke on a hot dog for ripping off such an great guy. You're like a shit-stuffed Twinkie.

Twinkies: Now with ogre poop!

Harnish, you dirty bastard, you ugly troll, you harassed Cary until he gave you want you wanted. You're lucky I don't sit on your face. You deserved to lose Lynch.

Koiner. Jaaaaawwwwsh Koiner. You bid $5 on Chad Ochocinco. YOU BID $5 ON CHAD OCHOCINCO. You're Pete Rose, Tim Donaghy, the New England Patriots, Sammy Sosa, and Roger Clemens all thrown into swirling shit tornado of cheat. There was a preposterously enormous red warning on the front page of the league website about NOT BIDDING MORE THAN 1 EFFING DOLLAR . "But I didn't see it!" Well then eff your eyes.
 

Jeff Hirschy, you don't see the New York Jets going around and changing their name in mid-season, do you? Hell no. So why for the love of the Hamburglar did you change the name of your friggin' football team?! They're in the league logo! See, the British flag! Gah! Your nonsense is makin' my tummy rumble!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go eat something that won't be of any use to anyone this year.

  
Thanks, Rex. That'll be all.

Now that that's out of the way, let's move on to the recap.

Hollywood Hulk Hogan 34
Philly Spider's Squad 35

In vintage nWo fashion, Hollywood Hogan found it impossible to win without some sort of illegal interference or a ref bump + steel chair = 1-2-3. Really, though, shouldn't there be a way to cheat? It would make the league way more realistic. In 01, 03, and 04 cheaters won the SB. In 05, the SB champions were gift wrapped a title by the refs. Where is my nWo referee? Remember Nick Patrick? Where the eff is he?

Apparently stuck in 1983...

At any rate, it was a pretty close game. Hakeem Nicks' 8 yard day (no, that's not a typo) and the Colts rush "defense" (if that's what you want to call it) were the primary offenders. The Lions must have been up the ass of Nicks all damn day. I mean they must have dedicated 3 swinging dicks to a 60 minute plug fest on the guy, otherwise I have no idea how someone that talented catches 3 balls for 8 freaking yards. As for the Colts, after the Redskins' game, the defense told reporters that they really had no interest in tackling Ryan Torain (100 YDS, 2 TDs) because fuck it.

LT (55 YDS, 2 TDs) and Marshawn Lynch (44 YDS, TD) had nice games. Andre Johnson skeeted all over the Chiefs for 138 yards and a game winning TD. Of course, it's easier to skeet all over people when the refs are lending a helping hand. Yeah, the KC boys got cheated. Reggie Wayne did alright for himself with 71 yards, and TE Dustin Keller had 75.

Dear Jared Allen,

You don't get fantasy points for crushing Romo and forcing a pick. I know, I know, you should get gobs of points every time you hit a Dallas QB, but you don't, and I can't control that. If you can't start getting some sacks in the post-mullet era, YOU'D BETTER GROW THE GAWDAMN THING BACK.

P.S. I loved you in Jackass 3D. Peace!

Best wishes,
Brandon Harnish

Adam Vinatieri...where do I begin? *deep breath, big exhale* I'm just gonna say this: No one is perfect. Kickers miss FGs, even future Hall of Famers. What annoys me more than a cat gnawing at my balls is the fact that Caldwell sent AV out for a 48 yard FG in the kick cemetery known as FedEx Field with 7 seconds before halftime and a G*** DA**** TIMEOUT STILL IN HIS MOTHER F****** POCKET!!! WHAT IN THE HOLY F*** IS THAT??? As you can probably imagine, I was going apoplectic when I saw AV stroll out onto the field. RUN ANOTHER PLAY. That's all I can stand to write about this nonsense. Just have to focus on the positive, like how at least I won't ever have to sit through something as insane as sending out a 42 year old short range kicker for a 51 yard FG in the 4th quarter of... a... tied... ...Super Bowl.......

Jeremy Shockey has a SB TD football on his mantle because of...this...

For the Spiders, things went rather smoothly. Lance Moore caught a 57 yard TD pass, and finished with 57 yards and a TD pass, or something like that. Megatron had about 800 yards, and Chris Cooley had about 800 drops. Steven Jackson made the 2-4 Chargers (HAHA!) his blow up doll. Kyle Orton (and Phillip Rivers as well) exposed a flaw in the scoring system, though not one serious enough to merit forsaking stability.

As we all know, "stability" is the highest virtue.

Orton completed 14 of 34 passes for 209 yards and a TD. Missing on 20 passes out of 34 attempts is horrible. It's Ryan Lief territory. He did throw a TD pass over Gimpy McGimperton, Darrel Revis, but 458 points is a little steep. Steven Jackson had 386 for 109 and a TD. Torain had 477 for 100 and 2 TDs. I'm not suggesting a rule change, just interested to hear what others think about these numbers.

That about does it for this shitty game. On another note, ever hear Bob Lamey cuss on the air? (FF to 2:10-2:20)

West Lafayette Kings 31
Shomer Shabbos 22

Unf***ing believable. The Kings left 540 and 317 point performances by Jerraud Powers and the Stormin' Mormon on the bench, fielded an RB that got 0 touches, got 54 points from Miles Austin, 192 from Dallas Clark, and yet still beat the team that topped my 32 points last week...by 9 points. WTF WTF WTF WTF WHAT THE FAAAAAAAAWCK? GAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

"Hail to the Kings, baby." 5-1

To put it all another way, the Kings had two total TDs, both from Aaron Rodgers, and still won. Very NFC West-esque.

But...BOOM 637 from Aaron Rodgers. BOOM 695 from Lawrence Timmons. BOOM the West Lafayette Kings win.

BOOM 150,000 dead Japanese civilians

As for Shomer Shabbos, it was pretty lousy all around. I won't bore you with the numbers (and yes, they are boring). I'll just say that Joe Flacco was more or less the only player who bothered showing up. Speaking of Flacco, he surpassed the 7,985 yard mark this weekend. Through 38 games, that equals an average of 210. If you're thinking "Wow, that's shitty," you'd be right. But just know you're dissing the Ravens' new franchise leader for career passing yards. No joke. Who'd he move down to the number two spot?

This was Kyle Boller's 7th picture on Google Images.
The first 6 were family photos and practice shots.
Baltimore sports legend.

BTW, are we all going to change our names and force my crippled ass to make another league logo?

Team Stewie 28
Marion Federation 31

Seeing "128 YDS, TD, FUML" beneath Joe Addai's name in the fantasycast looks damn weird. First, Addai never goes over 100 yards. The last time he did was in 2008. He didn't even sniff the mark in 2009. Someone should go back and find out what the hell happened after the IND-NE game in 2007. His numbers fell off a cliff after that. But whatever the problem was, his YPC is over 4.0 for the first time in 2 years. Of course, when you're facing nickle and dime packages and amoeba defenses with no down linemen, you'd better average 4 f*cking yards. Second, he fumbled. Almost as certain as Addai not going over 100 yards is Addai not fumbling the ball. True, illegal hits by dirty Foreskins (pejorative for Redskins, not Bret Favre) will help dislodge footballs. Still, Addai never fumbles: 5 years, 1129 touches, 6 fumbles. Think about that for a bit.

Pierre Garcon must have swapped gloves with the Redskin corners on Sunday night because they were dropping everything. Manning's stats look fantastic (307 YDS, 2 TDs, 625.8) but he had two INTs dropped clean. Both teams left a lot of plays on the field.

TIMEOUT:
I'd like to take a moment and recap the worst red zone drive of the 2010 season. Not surprisingly, it occurred during the Jacksonville-Tennessee date rape, just after everyone had changed the channel to watch the Rangers stick a fork in the Yankees. Here's how it went down.

4-1 QB sneak for 2 yards to 18 yard line
1-10 rush for 6 to 12
2-4 rush for 3 to 9
3-1 rush for 0 to 9
4-1 QB sneak for 2 to 7
1-7 rush for 3 to 4
2-4 rush for 1 to 3
3-3 pass incomplete, PENALTY on TEN, offsides, 2 yards
3-1 pass incomplete
4-1 pass INTERCEPTED

Football genius

You may be asking yourself "How did this team beat the Colts?" Steve Young asked that same question last night. There are two parts to the answer. The first is turnovers. If Reggie Wayne holds onto the ball in the red zone, Colts win. If Brody Eldridge catches the ball at the 1, Colts win. They didn't: Result, an INT, a fumble, a loss. The second is the fact that the Jaguars owner, Wayne Weaver, hates the Colts. In the SB last year, he was hopping around cheering in the luxury box when the Colts lost. His mission, every year, is to beat the Colts. His team sees it as their Super Bowl. If they go 2-14 but sweep the Colts, Weaver calls it a success. Of course, this may explain why they never beat anybody else.

And we're back!

One last note on Addai: How bitter is it when a single player beats both your fantasy team and your NFL team? I don't know. But Cary does.

Oh, and in case I had garnered a reputation as a swindler, I'd like to point out that the Haitian Sensation burnt DeAngelo Hall (10 yards off) and LaRon Landry for a 57 yard TD pass. I mean he looked like a DeLorean laying flaming skid marks on the turf.

Pictured: LaRon Landry (left) and DeAngelo Hall (right)

Not to mention THIS.

"GET OVER HERE!"

CrabAppleCove Surgeons 33
Mandalore Ori'ramikade 29

It absolutely baffles me how the Mandalore Ori'ramikade (MO) didn't win this game. 9 TDs vs 2 TDs. I understand that there are more stats than simply this, but I don't see how anything trumps 9 TDs to 2 TDs. Of course, when a space alien picks off your starting QB twice in one game, it doesn't help your cause.

E.J. Henderson

Still, just look at the box score. You have to wonder how the Surgeons did it, and not just by a point, but by 4 points. The answer, really, is on defense and special teams. About 14 points vs. 4. Dan Carpenter scored 730 points for the surgeons. That's insane. A 50 yarder and two +40 yarders, and you're beating the shit out of Chris Johnson's 131 total yards and TD.

And I'm not kidding about E.J. Henderson.

I mean, look at him.

Fort Wayne Hurricanes 35
Abbasid Caliphs 37

Karma. It's a beautiful thing. The fantasy football gods don't like cheaters.

Greg Jennings returns from the dead. Karma. Drew Brees finally lights up the scoreboard. Karma. Osi Umenyiora goes prison rape on the Lions and wipes his dick on Barry Sanders' HoF bust.

Karma

Matt Forte ran the ball 8 times against the Seahawks while Jay Cutler threw it 39 times. The Bears aren't the Colts, or even the Broncos, and they're definitely not the '99 Rams. Mike Martz needs a reality check. Karma!

Dwayne Bowe finally plays like a professional (108 YDS, 2 TDs). Brandon Marshall lights up the Packers. Braylon Edwards catches a TD. Heath Miller gets Ben Rapistberger back and hauls in a TD. But you lose! Karma!

"Hello, ladies."

Congratulations goes out to Tim, who has pulled the greatest turnaround in fantasy history. Something like 0-3 to 4-2 in one season. We here at the Sports Bunny don't care for math either.

We prefer fantasy!!! FALCOR, YAAAAAA!!!

Syriac Miaphysites 30.86
Stone Town Sultans 30.20

Jeff was a Bret Favre appendage away from winning this game.

"Wanna see me go deep?"

 But he lost, and now he's trapped in a hole at 1-5.

"Hey there, Jeff."

Give him a linebacker that scores anything but -0.1 and he wins this game. Play Rashard Mendenhall (377) instead of LeSean McCoy (257) and he wins this game. It's tough to let go of RB talent, but leaving points on the bench week after week would start to piss me off, especially at 1-5. Top RBs carry trade value, and a big trade could bring in a top WR or TE that could actually score points on Sunday. There is something to be said for security against bye weeks and injuries, especially at this point in the season, but leaving a top 10 RB on the bench every week has got to get old.

Special teams and defense again made the difference. About 10 points to 8. It isn't a huge gap, but the score was so close that, really, it's the size of Jeff's head. <3

That does it for this week! Thanks for reading. Be sure to leave comments! The Madden Pick 'Ems will be out tonight or tomorrow. In the mean time, book your tickets for commercial space travel.