Jesse Ventura: "I don't know if he's got enough left in him!"
Gorilla Monsoon: "He's hulking up! That adrenaline can do wonders! We're seeing what this guy is really made of! What he is! The greatest professional athlete in the world today! Look at this!
Jesse Ventura: "He slammed him! I don't believe it! I don't believe it!"
Gorilla Monsoon: "For the cover! 1-2-3! It's over!"
Jesse Ventura: "Listen to this crowd, Gorilla! Hulkamania is runnin' wild!"
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| America says FUCK YOU, Ori'ramikad! |
Runnin' Wild Hulkamaniacs 38
The red and the yellow gave the Mandalore Ori'ramikad a big boot to the face and followed it up with an atomic leg drop for the 3 count! The big boot to the face was LaDainian Tomlinson's 133 yards and 2 TDs (687.3). The atomic leg drop was Charles Woodson's 13 tackles and pick 6 (765.1).
Rumors of LT's demise were greatly exaggerated, and he's been a better back than 1st round pick DeAngelo Williams, who actually had his first non-sucky game of the season with 86 yards and a score. SD did LT a huge favor by putting him behind the Jets offensive line.
With the win, the Hulkamaniacs move to 1-3, which draws them even with the Abbasid Caliphs and puts them a game behind the East London Adventurers in the Diaspora conference, a.k.a. the NFC West
The Mandalore Ori'ramikad pooped all over the field. Eli Manning was vintage Eli Manning. Chris Johnson pulled a Spinal Tap and got lost searching for the field. DeSean Jackson had 19 piddly yards, which was better than Jeremy Maclin, who had a whopping 15. Kevin Huber managed to average 38.6 yards per punt - you'd be better off throwing Hail Mary interceptions. Pierre Thomas proved once again that scoring fantasy points from the injury list is next to impossible, and Jeff Reed looked a little like this.
 | ||||||
| He didn't take his vitamins and say his prayers. |
And the Mandalore Ori'ramikad dropped to 3-1. The End.
P.S. These exotic team names have got to stop. They are a pain in the ass to spell, especially with one hand. I've resorted to copy and pasting the names, and I shouldn't have to do that.
Fort Wayne Hurricanes 25
Gotham Knights 31
The creator conveniently moves to 4-0 while the rest of the league lives in squalor and filth.
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| Corey Palmer |
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| Austin Collie, pictured left |
Moving on, Matt Forte had an awful game with 26 yards rushing, but the entire Bears offense was absolutely thrashed by the Giants defense.
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| The Giants Defense |
Philly Spider's Squad 36
Team Stew 38
It was a good day for Team Stewie and company. Reggie Wayne (196 YDS, FUML, 850.7) and Antonio Gates (144 YDS, 2 TDs, 807.3) had monster games. But let me take a moment to investigate these point totals, because it seems to me that something doesn't quite add up. Wayne had 52 more yards than Gates, but Gates had 2 more TDs and 1 less fumble. Yet Gates scored less than Wayne. You may disagree, but I think Gates should not only have scored more than Wayne, but significantly more. I think 2 TDs are worth more than 52 yards and a fumble. Perhaps I'm missing something, or perhaps change is needed.
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| And all I got was this lousy T-shirt... |
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| Dr. Brautigam's favorite QB |
Honestly, though. There isn't much more to say about this game. It wasn't as close as the score lets on, and Team Stewie's kicker outscored most of Philly Spider's players. But let's be real: I'm taking a maniacal child genius with an armory of military grade weapons in his closet over this every day of the week. And so are you.
CrabAppleCove Surgeons 43
Syriac Miaphysites 25
No, no, no, no, no. Obscure, historical references to disagreements over the nature of Christ's humanity and divinity are not fantasy football team names, and the performance of the Syriac Miaphysites suggests that their own players agree.
Jay Cutler scored -80.1. Yes, that's negative 80.1. Beanie Wells ran for 19 yards. Hines Ward caught 2 passes for 14 yards. This was a statement game: "Change our damn name, please!"
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| This doesn't happen. |
Marion Federation 37
This one could have gone to either team. You might say it was a "dropped Kelvin Hayden interception" from going the other way. Of course, that's just a crazy example I pulled out of thin air...
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| The Official Candy Bar of the Indianapolis Colts |
The Marion Federation lost this game because of no starting Tight End (which is sometimes a bullet you just have to bite), and because of absolutely no production from Santana Moss (no catches, 1 rush, 5 YDS, 11.1). They had a shot because of yet another masterpiece from Peyton Manning (700), who has thrown just 1 interception (which bounced off the chest of TE Brody Eldridge at the 4 yard line) through the first 4 games. But it wasn't enough. If that INT is a catch, the Federation probably wins this game. Then again, if "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts, wouldn't it be a Merry Christmas?
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| Merry Christmas, Wes. |
Shomer Shabbos 32
The Abbasid Caliphs came close, but couldn't roll over Shomer Shabbos. Do you know why? BECAUSE NO ONE FUCKING ROLLS OVER SHOMER SHABBOS.
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| No one |
The Abbasid Caliphs did alright for themselves at QB; Drew Brees threw for 275 yards and a TD (657.9). Watch out for the Madden curse, though. The signs are there: The Saints offense is averaging nearly 10 points less per game than last year, Brees is nursing an MCL injury, and Reggie Bush and Pierre Thomas are out.
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| I'm good for half a season. |
- 2002, Daunte Culpepper - 23 interceptions, 5-11 record, broke the record for most fumbles in a single season, blew out both knees in 2005 and 2006
- 2003, Marshall Faulk - did not register another 1,000 yard rushing season, started 21 out of a possible 32 games from 2002-2003 due to injuries, underwent reconstructive knee surgery in 2005 and retired that same year
- 2004, Michael Vick - broken leg in pre-season, missed the first 12 games, 5-11 record
- 2005, Ray Lewis - week 15 with a wrist injury, first season without an interception.
- 2006, Donovan McNabb - tore ACL and meniscus in right knee, suffered sports hernia in the first game of the season
- 2007, Shaun Alexander - sustained a foot injury and missed six starts
- 2008, Vince Young - lost his mind
- 2009, Brett Favre - led the league in interceptions with 22, suffered torn biceps injury
- 2010, Troy Polamalu - sprained his MCL in the first half of the season opener and missed the next four games, played in three more games before injuring his posterior cruciate ligament
Let the countdown begin. After a slow start in 2009, the Caliphs pulled off a victory late in the year to avoid a defeated season. They're 0-4 again, and might not have the players to avoid the dreaded 0-13 record. Next week the Caliphs square off against the Marion Federation. It's going to take a miracle to avoid 0-5. Do you believe in miracles?
I do.
Happy Tuesday, everyone. Prayers for my hand are appreciated. It is pretty serious.
First and foremost, think you so much for your willingness to bring us hilarious content that brightens the day in spite of your hand. True grit that is much appreciated. I truly enjoyed 80% of it. On a side note, I thought he was losing his touch, but Pat Forde came up with an awesome piece this week. If you know a little of the context of LSU coach Les Miles, its even better, but he explains it fairly well. http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/columns/story?columnist=forde_pat&id=5650439
ReplyDeleteNow, as to my response to your piece on three specific issues (I thoroughly enjoyed the rest). In the spirit of Brandon's published interest in Hayek, I simply can't resist entitling this:
CONTRA HARNISH
First, I know that you can't have humor without controversy, violating norms, and attempting to point out the ridiculous, even in a tongue in cheek fashion. Nonetheless, I must say that I enjoyed the poking fun of Tim and Jordan's names, but think their team names are actually a lot of fun and especially appropriate for the pomo contradiction that is "fantasy" football.
Second, as to my current status as league leader, I will say three things. (A) I tried to disseminate all relevant information possible on my best guesses for how certain positions would perform and laid bare my draft strategy for all to see, use, and use against me. (B) My selections of Aaron Rodgers, Austin Collie, and Dallas Clark were just damn good and would be in a standard league. These three have been the foundation of my success. I have struggled at K,P, have been inconsistent at the defensive position, and have had fairly shitty RB production. (C) My roster pickups have not been based on "in depth" understandings of the scoring system, I simply organize the free agents in a given position by average score, compare them to my present player, make sure it wasn't an anomaly from one game, and then make that decision. Takes about 1 minute per position. One could do that not having a clue what the specific scoring system was. I have averaged a total of 10 minutes spent managing the actual Knights per week.
Third, as for the Wayne-Gates controversy.
Catches are key here. The league rewards receivers just as much for having a day that exceeds the typical # of catches as it does the typical amount of yards. Before the season, I figured last year's typical #s as 4 catches 70 yards by using last year's #15 overall WR in both categories, adding up 12 #1WRS+ 12 #2 WRS + 6 Flex Spot Guys and taking the "median receiver", or #15 as exemplar. Thus, Wayne outperformed the typical WR by nearly quadruple production in receptions and 2.5 times in yards. Gates, judged on the same scale (due to the % of overall points TEs are supposed to be getting, otherwise Gates and Clark would be dropping 2,000 if they had their own TE scale), not quite doubled the typical catch count, and does a little less than double the typical yardage count, so he SHOULD have quite a bit of ground to catch up. TDs are currently worth the same as 45 yards or 3 catches, over half a game's worth of either, and thus I would say are overvalued if anything. That said, the fumble and two TDs enabled Gates to just about close the gap.
If this still doesn't sit well, we can reduce the amount of points given per catch. This was a voted item on the pre-season league rules ballot, because I knew counting possession WRs contributions equally would cause a league to be different. I addressed this in ALL CAPS during draft week on the league board. Since the issue has not been brought up so explicitly until now, I've seen no reason to change it. I will post it as a poll on the league board.
Once again, best wishes on the recovery, and I look forward to continued excellence in blog posting from you.
also, let me know if you would propose something other than decreasing catch value (and proportionally increasing yardage value). I'll wait to post the poll until I hear your feedback.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the great feedback, Corey. I'll respond one by one, as Hayek was fond of doing. ;) Though it will be shorter than it other wise would normally be, for obvious reasons (but I am getting really fast with one-handed typing, haha).
ReplyDeleteI remember Les Miles absolutely blowing a game last year from awful clock management, but I'm fuzzy on the details. I'll check the link, though. Definitely.
I'm not too serious about the names. It's funny in a nerdy sort of way. I just hate not being able to spell them, especially Jordan's. :)
I figured that I might have been missing pass receptions, and I acknowledged that. Honestly, I wrote that before I lost total use of my left hand and I just didn't have the energy to expand or amend the analysis after the surgery. My preference in the big debate about reverting to the ESPN standard is to revert, but also to slightly amend the system to make it more sophisticated. But you'll get no serious complaints from me. I have total confidence in your system as it is. I just like to complain. I'm the Bunny.
I have no problems in how you handled the preseason setup. I just wanted to call you Prince John. Mwuahahahaha! Mommy! Mommy!
On another note, I hope you and everyone else listened to the Hulkster's theme music. It really makes my upset over Jordan that much more epic!
Thanks again, Corey. I'm about to go check out Boyer's recap! woot!
I would like to point out that I had a shitload of players (including my QB and at least on RB) on bye this week. And a guy that apparently got himself knocked out between when I set up the roster and when the game actually went down.....
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, that was pretty funny. I will continue to read these with all the appropriate laughter.....
And sorry, but the Ori'ramikad will not be changing their name. On the bright side, the Mando'a aren't picky about spelling or punctuation......
ReplyDeleteThis is excellent Brandon. Thanks for the tin of nuts for Christmas. I will cherish them greatly.
ReplyDeleteRight on, guys!
ReplyDeleteJordan, your name is probably illegal under the ADA. You can't expect one-armed people to type that.