Madden Pick 'Ems: Week 8

Last week: 8-6

I'm dispensing with the Madden prose because it gets really old, especially with one hand. Try it for 8 weeks and you'll see what I mean.

Bills (0-6) at Chiefs (4-2) Ryan Fitzpatrick of the Bills is the second highest rated QB behind Manning (with at least 80 attempts), but I think Romeo Crennel actually knows what he's doing with this defense. They're a bogus PI penalty from 5-1, and I think they'll handle the Bills.
 
Broncos (2-5) at 49ers (1-6) Go to the game, get drunk, eat some hot dogs, forget it ever happened.
 
Buccaneers (4-2) at Cardinals (3-3) I like Josh Freeman and company (that's right, he already has a company) to win this one in the 4th.
 
Dolphins (3-3) at Bengals (2-4) The Bengals are great at putting up points in garbage time.
 
Jaguars (3-4) at Cowboys (1-5) Don't expect me to believe that the Cowboys are going to give much of an effort in this game.
 
Packers (4-3) at Jets (5-1) Aaron Rodgers isn't as good against the blitz as he was last year. We're talking 30-40 QB points worse. Uh-oh.
 
Panthers (1-5) at Rams (3-4) DeAngelo Williams is on my fantasy team, so expect him to get totally shut down.
 
Redskins (4-3) at Lions (1-5) Interesting stat: Suh leads the league in sacks among DTs.
 
Seahawks (4-2) at Raiders (3-4) I want to see another Raiders 24-0 lead in the first.
 
Steelers (5-1) at Saints (4-3) This is going to be a fun one to watch. The Saints tricky offense versus the new Steel Curtain. But the Saints are playing like ass.
 
Titans (5-2) at Chargers (2-5) I don't think the Chargers are ready to call it quits just yet, but you have to wonder if they are still buying into Norv.
 
Vikings (2-4) at Patriots (5-1) I mentioned this last week, but the Patriots don't feel like a 5-1 team. It's hard to pick the Vikings because of Favre and his injuries/turnovers/age/penis, though I won't be surprised if they win, especially with Moss looking to stick it to his old team.

Mon: Texans (4-2) at Colts (4-2) The Texans defense is pretty bad, but stats and rankings don't always matter against division rivals. The Colts are also beat up on both sides of the ball. No Dallas, no Mormon, no Bobzilla, and possibly no Addai. Still, they've got Manning, they're home, they're on MNF, and they're playing at night. I'm invoking the Bill Simmons "Never bet against Manning in a night game" rule. Colts 24-21.

Fantasy Football Recap: Week 7

Another week, another full slate of idiot plays and boneheaded mistakes. But before we look at some of the stupidity that spilled out all over the football field, I want to take a quick gander at what might have been the dumbest fantasy trade in the history of the game.


WLAF traded Dallas Clark*, Ind to Hurr
WLAF traded Austin Collie*, Ind to Hurr
WLAF traded Sidney Rice*, Min to Hurr
Hurr traded Matt Forte, Chi to WLAF
Hurr traded Braylon Edwards, NYJ to WLAF
Hurr traded Heath Miller, Pit to WLAF
Hurr traded Louis Murphy, Oak to WLAF

When this trade took place, it was more or less known that Dallas Clark was done for the year. But even if you're the kind that says, "F*ck it! Let's roll the dice anyways and hope that Jesus is a Colts fan," Clark hasn't exactly been lighting up the scoreboard. Imagine you're the CEO of a company and some adviser comes up to you and says, "Hey, boss, there's this little village right next to an angry volcano on a violently unstable fault line, and I think it'd be a great place to build a mutant dinosaur tourist resort. We can just shift our capital investment away from some safe and profitable enterprise like girl scout cookies and throw a bunch of cash at our scientists from the Umbrella corporation. How about it?!" Well, that just happened in our beloved little league, and the CEO replied,"Hell yeah!"

What could possibly go wrong?

On another note, I woke up on Sunday and decided I was tired of watching 1 or 2 mediocre football games on network television, so I called up Direct TV ordered the Redzone channel. It was the greatest football experience I've ever had the benefit of enjoying. If you like the NFL, the Redzone channel is an absolute necessity. There were over 40 turnovers in the early slate of games and I was able to catch every single one. All 4 of DeAngelo Hall's INTs, all 4 of Drew Brees' INTs, including his two pick-sixes, all of the absurd turnovers the Chargers committed, Ben Rapistberger's goal line fumble, the wild Ravens-Bills game with Ed Reed's welcome back INT, and more. Better yet, with the exception of the Saints-Browns game, all of the early games were one score affairs, and I was able to follow them until the end. One channel, all of the games. It's like crack.

Here...we...go...

Syriac Miaphysites 33
Hollywood Hulk Hogan 34

Before Manningham's screen TD reception...

When 4 to 6 of your offensive starters are sitting on the bench because of a shared bye week, losing by 1 is actually quite an accomplishment. Wayne, Johnson, Keller/Daniels, LT, and Nick Folk were all out. I thought I'd actually have a nice kicking day, given that one of the best long range kickers was playing in Denver, but the hapless Raiders decided to set all sorts of offensive records and kick the living shit out of the Broncos, so no dice...

Offensive genius

After...

HAHA! Bitches! B-R-A-N-D-O-N! Brandon is great! Brandon is great! Brandon-Brandon-Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrandon! HAIL. HAIL. HAIL. 6 starters on the bench don't mean shit when you're goin' up against the boys in black! NWO 4 Life! Post-game party at the Lock Up! w00t!

TOOOOOOOOOO SWEET!

Shout out to Corey's QB, Aaron Rodgers; thanks for the INT to Jared Allen (396). Hollywood's pass catchers put up the big money points, as is usual with this team. Hakeem Nicks had 108 yards and 2 TDs on 9 receptions. Mario Manningham scored a TD on a SICK screen play. Todd Heap exploited the worst defense against Tight Ends for two TDs. Chad Ochocinco backed up some trash talk and smacked Ian IN THE FACE with 473 points, 108 yards, and a TD.

Hollywood's punter out scored both team RBs, 304 vs. 220. Oddly enough, he outscored Manningham too.

Watching the Vikings-Packers game, I was actually disappointed when the replay overturned Percy Harvin's would-be game-winning touchdown catch. It would have cost me a fantasy game, true, but I really can't stand Green Bay fans, and losing a fantasy game would have been worth letting them suffer another Brett Favre beatdown. Here's why: Favre played on Green Bay for 40 or 50 years and took the team to two Super Bowls, winning one. His exit was political, true enough, but Super Bowl winning QBs deserve better.

Look at Eli Manning. He was roasted by the New York media right up until the moment he won SB XLII. Then, at the drop of a hat, he became a hero. That's New York we're talking about. Not the loyal, virtuous, all-American Midwest. NEW FREAKING YORK. Do you think Colts fans would ever, ever boo Peyton Manning if, at age 40, he went to the Patriots or Titans and then returned to his old stomping grounds to compete against Indy? Not a damn chance. In fact, most Colts fans would probably switch over. I think you'd honestly have a home crowd cheering him on as he torched their defense for 6 scores. Not in Green Bay, though. As a defeated Brett Favre was limping out of the place he made matter to everyone with cheese on their head, a storm of boos pelted him from every angle. I almost expected to see beer bottles and streams of toilet paper rainbowing towards the old man.

This will never get old.

Seriously though, Brett Favre's career is eerily similar to Hulk Hogan's. Let's count a few ways. Both started out as fan favorites. Both have had legendarily huge heel turns to former arch enemies. Hogan wore the red and yellow. Bret wore the green and yellow. Both feuded with glittery, high profile opponents: Favre with the Cowboys, Hogan with Ric Flair. Both were exceptionally charismatic, Hogan with his running around and driving the fans wild, Favre with his running around and driving the fans wild. Both had a chance to hold "double championships" and failed, Hogan at Wrestlemaina VI, Favre at Super Bowl XXXII. Both have struggled with leg injuries late in their careers. And, most importantly, both grew gray heel beards after they turned. Does anyone else want to see Favre win the SB, hoist the Lombardi trophy, and then bust out a can of spray paint and mark it up with a big purple penis before leaving the stadium in a black limo to SRV's version of Voodoo Child, with Randy Moss giving the nWo longhorn sign out the top of the sky window? I do.

That's alright, though, Packers fans have Aaron Rodgers, who has to be about 2-900 in close games. For the record, most great QBs are .500 in close games. Brady is unique; since 2005, he's 23-11 (64%) in games decided by 8 points or less.

Peyton Manning is 36-7.

"That's 83%, bitch."

Props to LaBarbera: The Syriac Miaphysites are a legit team because of his extra dedication to our league. They were a Brett Favre Jr. away from winning the game. The Rapist, Hines Ketchup, NIU's own Michael Turner, and Percy Harvin all did what they had to do, and almost grabbed a win. Ralston, IMHO, needs to learn something about finishing what he starts, because this isn't exactly a first offense.


Speaking of NIU, the Huskies received 1 Top 25 vote this week. Florida received 2.

Question: Could someone tell me how Carolina LB James Anderson scored 380.1 points when his stat sheet shows 7 tackles and nothing more?

Shameless self-promotion: DeAngelo Williams is getting kicked out of the nWo. He's on the trading block. He was a 1st round pick and I'm giving up on him. If you want some depth for your flex spot, offer me a trade.

Team Stewie 22
Mandalore Ori'ramikade 39

Let's all take a minute to point and laugh at Cary, the one Redskins fan in the league, who didn't see that DeAngelo "I'll risk a 99 yard TD pass for an INT" Hall was going up against Jay "I'll risk a 99 yard TAINT for a PB&J sandwich" Cutler. 4 INTs, 1340 points. But it wouldn't have even mattered. Team Stewie got pounded so hard that an NFL record 4 INTs wouldn't have saved the game. YO! Earth to Cary! Matt Hasselbeck and Ryan Fitzpatrick were on the waiver wire. Fantasy veterans such as yourself ought to know about bye weeks and the havoc they can wreak. Check your players on Tuesday and start making those vital roster moves. You'll get no sympathy from the Bunny on your QB situation, especially not with the bye week insanity that I had to deal with. I'm not totally clear on why Cory gave in on this.

  No, my new Ultimate Warrior t-shirts have nothing to do with the recap.

Injuries have opened our league for the taking. The Mandalore Ori'ramikade won't have Tony Romo for about 8 weeks, and DeSean Jackson's concussion is anyone's best guess. Visanthe Shiancoe will either have a crippled Brett Favre throwing him TD-not-TD-passes or Tarvaris doing whatever he does. Chris Johnson's numbers are never as good with Collins at QB compared to VY, and Pierre Thomas remains injured. In short, injuries have gone Castle Wolfenstein on the two top teams.

West Lafayette Kings 29
Marion Federation 16

Corey, the fantasy football gods see your King Triton and raise you...

One Ursula

Talk about divine punishment for violating Matthew Berry's 10 Commandments, your team just got the plague spayed all over them. Let's recap: Aaron Rodgers loses his starting tail back and tight end, plus Donald Driver get injured. Dallas Clark gets placed on IR. Austin Collie undergoes surgery on his thumb or something and gets knocked out for at least 1 game, which happens to be against the worst pass D in the league. Then, just when you think it's all over, just when you think the fantasy gods have had their fill, BOOM Tony Romo gets knocked the fuck out! What's that sound? It's Miles Austin's stock crashing into the turf, right along with that dropped TD pass on MNF. You're just lucky you found someone crazy enough to buy some of your toxic assets, and by crazy, I mean f*cking stupid.

F*cking stupid

The Marion Federation really sucked a nut this week, and they might just figure to keep it in their mouth all season long. Manning has lost some important targets (though it is a safe bet he will put this team on his shoulders and carry them to the playoffs), Joe Addai has really taken a beating, Roy Williams lost Tony Romo, and Michael Crabtree lost Alex Smith (say whatever you want about Smith, he had found some chemistry with Crabtree, and he's better than David Carr). Look for Troy Smith to get some playing time in SF...Who?

This guy

I suggest a name change, Wes, something fun. After all, if you aren't winning, you might as well be creative.

Creativity

Shomer Shabbos 30
CrabAppleCove Surgeons 42

Ah, the old Tom Brady is back: 19-32, 159 yards, 1 TD. Vintage Brady. Strange that he scored 407 points, though. Joe Flacco was 16-31, 3 TDs, 250 yards, no turnovers, and only scored 484. I don't get how that gap isn't wider. Dave, I'm sure, is wondering the same thing. But it wouldn't have been an issue if he had started Carson Palmer, who scored 1006 points. Leaving a performance like that on the bench stings.

HAR, HAR, HAR!

If I'm managing the Shomer Shabbos, I'm starting DeMarcus Ware (289, SCK, FF, FR) every week he plays. There are some guys you just don't want to have to regret not starting. If Dave Ball has a legendary day, you can say, "Well who the Hell saw that coming?" If DeMarcus Ware goes all Derrick Thomas and scores 7 sacks in one game, you just look at the ground, sigh, and say "shit." Don't out think yourself. A good rule of thumb is to take talent over match ups.

Here's an illustration: For the MASH boys, Roddy White (712, 201 YDS, 2 TDs) whipped out that black rod again and went all porn star on the Bengals, finding the open spots, grabbing balls, and not quitting until the big finish. True story: The Bengals have one of the best corner back tandems in the NFL. Lesson: Take talent over match ups.

The only other point of interest from this game is the performance of the kickers, both scoring exactly 614.9, which is a f*cking ton. 

The Titans trail by 14 points. 0:01 left on the clock. 

The ball is snapped, the kick is up, it looks good, it is! 

The Titans win 38-17!

Philly Spider's Squad 33
Abbasid Caliphs 23

Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse! Madden Curse!

Drew Brees: 4 INTs, 2 TAINTS, both to a preposterously slow lineman turned linebacker named Dave Bowens, which happens to be the same name as Brees' son, Bowen, who was born just a few days ago. 'Tis the season! Madden Curse! Spooky!

It's like joining the Raiders.

In other news, Ryan Matthews (81.3) is starting to look like a downgrade from LT for the Chargers. He has been a complete non-factor so far this season. But the "non-factor" problem seems to be a real issue for the Caliphs: Umenyiora and Clay Mathhews combined for 60 points. Brandon Lloyd had a piddly 99.1. And, get this, Steve Smith scored -5.5. There was a Gregg Jennings sighting on MNF, which gives Tim some reason to smile. On the upside, Tim didn't start Jay Cutler (96.5), who is starting to look worse than Kyle Orton, you know, the guy who the Bears got rid of in order to bring in...wait for it...wait for it...Jay Cutler.


For the Phillies, Steven Jackson had another solid game. Ryan Torain gained yards, but not points (130). TO's still got it (405). Conner Barth led all players with 600 points. He's a kicker, and he had three 30s and a 50. To put this in perspective, Adrian Peterson has scored 600 or more only twice (608, 810), Chris Johnson has done it only once (690).

East London Springboks 35
Fort Wayne Hurricanes 30

Run-DMC, baby! 10 TDs, 9,000,000 points, and the Fort Wayne Hurricanes walk away with a...loss? WTF? Not only that, but the Springboks left Dez Bryant (3 TOT TD, 574) on the bench. With a performance like McFadden's, you basically need Wade Phillips to lose that game, or a monumental collapse at every other position. Well...91, 191, 115, 184, 138, 210, 135, and 29.

The Springboks really had some nice all around scoring, and if Romo's collarbone hadn't ruined Dez Bryant's fantasy potential, they could be even more dangerous. The bad news for Hirschy is that Deion Branch is who we thought he was, and Marques Colston still hasn't shown that he can score points that aren't in garbage time. But those aren't bad problems to have.

Other thoughts...

John Kitna and Roy Williams are back in business down in Dallas! 2010 Cowboys = 2007 Lions.

Anyone notice the similarities between the Cowboys and Chargers? Both are 3 1/2 years after legendary in-your-face head coaches, and both have lost their talent, have failed to develop young players, have committed stupid mistakes, and have no one to blame but themselves for their putrid records. If I'm building a franchise, I'll take a Bill Parcells and a Josh Freeman-type QB over a Norv Turner and a Phillip Rivers, every single time.

That'll do it. The Madden Pick 'Ems will probably be late again for no better reason than sheer laziness.

Thanks for Reading!

Madden Pick 'Ems: Week 7

A day late, but I'm sure you all managed. Last week: 8-6.

49ers (1-5) at Panthers (0-5) The 2010 San Francisco 49ers still have a chance to win their division, but they'll need big plays from Michael Crabtree...mmmm crab...

Bengals (2-3) at Falcons (4-2) The 2010 Atlanta Falcons could easily be 1-5. They need a solid win to show the world they are for real.

Bills (0-5) at Ravens (4-2) The 2010 Buffalo Bills didn't lose last week; they had a bye. There is no question that they are the worst team in the National Football League.

Browns (1-5) at Saints (4-2) The 2010 New Orleans Saints have a dangerous screen passing game. I wish I knew what that was.

Cardinals (3-2) at Seahawks (3-2) This is one of those games that's played because it's on the schedule. Seahawks.


Eagles (4-2) at Titans (4-2) The 2010 Philadelphia Eagles are surprising a lot of people, and depth at QB has saved their season from collapse.

Jaguars (3-3) at Chiefs (3-2) The 2010 Kansas City Chiefs are a professional football team in the NFL.

Patriots (4-1) at Chargers (2-4) The 2010 New England Patriots 4-1 record feels like 3-2. Tastes like it too.

Raiders (2-4) at Broncos (2-4) The 2010 Denver Broncos have a air-it-out offense, and not much else.

Rams (3-3) at Buccaneers (3-2) The 2010 St. Louis Rams are young and talented at QB. Sometimes that's all it takes to win football games.


Redskins (3-3) at Bears (4-2) The 2010 Washington Redskins can dominate games with their pass rush.

Steelers (4-1) at Dolphins (3-2) The 2010 Pittsburgh Steelers always force young QBs into mistakes. 

Vikings (2-3) at Packers (3-3) You can never get enough Bret Favre. Vikings.

Mon: Giants (4-2) at Cowboys (1-4) I love teams with forks in 'em. The Giants should stuff 'em and then lather on some BBQ sauce. Good eatin' on MNF!

Byes: Colts (4-2), Jets (5-1), Lions (1-5), Texans (4-2)

Fantasy Football Recap: Week 6

This week our beloved little league stirred the wrath-pot of the fantasy football gods. Way too many managers are swimming around in slimy shit and throwing it at everyone. I won't post a picture because I don't want a bunch of vomit all over the place, but I will bring in Rex Ryan, who is FIRED UP about the whore house that was once a proud league of gentleman owners.

Rex Ryan: FIRED. UP.

Ian Johnston, there's a a difference between having fun and being a jackass. Goin' around and talkin' trash, eatin' cheeseburgers, that's being a jackass. You think Corey Palmer is some whore whose name you can smear in shit on the stall of some Alabama truck stop restroom? GTFO, Ian. No way.

Corey Palmer, you whore, you think you can go around chagin' the rules of football just because? Hell no. You stole wins from Cary, you turd. Cary deserves more than that

Cary, you slut, you gave Harnish the Vince McMahon treatment. You got Marshawn Lynch when the deal was for Ryan Torain. I hope you choke on a hot dog for ripping off such an great guy. You're like a shit-stuffed Twinkie.

Twinkies: Now with ogre poop!

Harnish, you dirty bastard, you ugly troll, you harassed Cary until he gave you want you wanted. You're lucky I don't sit on your face. You deserved to lose Lynch.

Koiner. Jaaaaawwwwsh Koiner. You bid $5 on Chad Ochocinco. YOU BID $5 ON CHAD OCHOCINCO. You're Pete Rose, Tim Donaghy, the New England Patriots, Sammy Sosa, and Roger Clemens all thrown into swirling shit tornado of cheat. There was a preposterously enormous red warning on the front page of the league website about NOT BIDDING MORE THAN 1 EFFING DOLLAR . "But I didn't see it!" Well then eff your eyes.
 

Jeff Hirschy, you don't see the New York Jets going around and changing their name in mid-season, do you? Hell no. So why for the love of the Hamburglar did you change the name of your friggin' football team?! They're in the league logo! See, the British flag! Gah! Your nonsense is makin' my tummy rumble!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go eat something that won't be of any use to anyone this year.

  
Thanks, Rex. That'll be all.

Now that that's out of the way, let's move on to the recap.

Hollywood Hulk Hogan 34
Philly Spider's Squad 35

In vintage nWo fashion, Hollywood Hogan found it impossible to win without some sort of illegal interference or a ref bump + steel chair = 1-2-3. Really, though, shouldn't there be a way to cheat? It would make the league way more realistic. In 01, 03, and 04 cheaters won the SB. In 05, the SB champions were gift wrapped a title by the refs. Where is my nWo referee? Remember Nick Patrick? Where the eff is he?

Apparently stuck in 1983...

At any rate, it was a pretty close game. Hakeem Nicks' 8 yard day (no, that's not a typo) and the Colts rush "defense" (if that's what you want to call it) were the primary offenders. The Lions must have been up the ass of Nicks all damn day. I mean they must have dedicated 3 swinging dicks to a 60 minute plug fest on the guy, otherwise I have no idea how someone that talented catches 3 balls for 8 freaking yards. As for the Colts, after the Redskins' game, the defense told reporters that they really had no interest in tackling Ryan Torain (100 YDS, 2 TDs) because fuck it.

LT (55 YDS, 2 TDs) and Marshawn Lynch (44 YDS, TD) had nice games. Andre Johnson skeeted all over the Chiefs for 138 yards and a game winning TD. Of course, it's easier to skeet all over people when the refs are lending a helping hand. Yeah, the KC boys got cheated. Reggie Wayne did alright for himself with 71 yards, and TE Dustin Keller had 75.

Dear Jared Allen,

You don't get fantasy points for crushing Romo and forcing a pick. I know, I know, you should get gobs of points every time you hit a Dallas QB, but you don't, and I can't control that. If you can't start getting some sacks in the post-mullet era, YOU'D BETTER GROW THE GAWDAMN THING BACK.

P.S. I loved you in Jackass 3D. Peace!

Best wishes,
Brandon Harnish

Adam Vinatieri...where do I begin? *deep breath, big exhale* I'm just gonna say this: No one is perfect. Kickers miss FGs, even future Hall of Famers. What annoys me more than a cat gnawing at my balls is the fact that Caldwell sent AV out for a 48 yard FG in the kick cemetery known as FedEx Field with 7 seconds before halftime and a G*** DA**** TIMEOUT STILL IN HIS MOTHER F****** POCKET!!! WHAT IN THE HOLY F*** IS THAT??? As you can probably imagine, I was going apoplectic when I saw AV stroll out onto the field. RUN ANOTHER PLAY. That's all I can stand to write about this nonsense. Just have to focus on the positive, like how at least I won't ever have to sit through something as insane as sending out a 42 year old short range kicker for a 51 yard FG in the 4th quarter of... a... tied... ...Super Bowl.......

Jeremy Shockey has a SB TD football on his mantle because of...this...

For the Spiders, things went rather smoothly. Lance Moore caught a 57 yard TD pass, and finished with 57 yards and a TD pass, or something like that. Megatron had about 800 yards, and Chris Cooley had about 800 drops. Steven Jackson made the 2-4 Chargers (HAHA!) his blow up doll. Kyle Orton (and Phillip Rivers as well) exposed a flaw in the scoring system, though not one serious enough to merit forsaking stability.

As we all know, "stability" is the highest virtue.

Orton completed 14 of 34 passes for 209 yards and a TD. Missing on 20 passes out of 34 attempts is horrible. It's Ryan Lief territory. He did throw a TD pass over Gimpy McGimperton, Darrel Revis, but 458 points is a little steep. Steven Jackson had 386 for 109 and a TD. Torain had 477 for 100 and 2 TDs. I'm not suggesting a rule change, just interested to hear what others think about these numbers.

That about does it for this shitty game. On another note, ever hear Bob Lamey cuss on the air? (FF to 2:10-2:20)

West Lafayette Kings 31
Shomer Shabbos 22

Unf***ing believable. The Kings left 540 and 317 point performances by Jerraud Powers and the Stormin' Mormon on the bench, fielded an RB that got 0 touches, got 54 points from Miles Austin, 192 from Dallas Clark, and yet still beat the team that topped my 32 points last week...by 9 points. WTF WTF WTF WTF WHAT THE FAAAAAAAAWCK? GAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

"Hail to the Kings, baby." 5-1

To put it all another way, the Kings had two total TDs, both from Aaron Rodgers, and still won. Very NFC West-esque.

But...BOOM 637 from Aaron Rodgers. BOOM 695 from Lawrence Timmons. BOOM the West Lafayette Kings win.

BOOM 150,000 dead Japanese civilians

As for Shomer Shabbos, it was pretty lousy all around. I won't bore you with the numbers (and yes, they are boring). I'll just say that Joe Flacco was more or less the only player who bothered showing up. Speaking of Flacco, he surpassed the 7,985 yard mark this weekend. Through 38 games, that equals an average of 210. If you're thinking "Wow, that's shitty," you'd be right. But just know you're dissing the Ravens' new franchise leader for career passing yards. No joke. Who'd he move down to the number two spot?

This was Kyle Boller's 7th picture on Google Images.
The first 6 were family photos and practice shots.
Baltimore sports legend.

BTW, are we all going to change our names and force my crippled ass to make another league logo?

Team Stewie 28
Marion Federation 31

Seeing "128 YDS, TD, FUML" beneath Joe Addai's name in the fantasycast looks damn weird. First, Addai never goes over 100 yards. The last time he did was in 2008. He didn't even sniff the mark in 2009. Someone should go back and find out what the hell happened after the IND-NE game in 2007. His numbers fell off a cliff after that. But whatever the problem was, his YPC is over 4.0 for the first time in 2 years. Of course, when you're facing nickle and dime packages and amoeba defenses with no down linemen, you'd better average 4 f*cking yards. Second, he fumbled. Almost as certain as Addai not going over 100 yards is Addai not fumbling the ball. True, illegal hits by dirty Foreskins (pejorative for Redskins, not Bret Favre) will help dislodge footballs. Still, Addai never fumbles: 5 years, 1129 touches, 6 fumbles. Think about that for a bit.

Pierre Garcon must have swapped gloves with the Redskin corners on Sunday night because they were dropping everything. Manning's stats look fantastic (307 YDS, 2 TDs, 625.8) but he had two INTs dropped clean. Both teams left a lot of plays on the field.

TIMEOUT:
I'd like to take a moment and recap the worst red zone drive of the 2010 season. Not surprisingly, it occurred during the Jacksonville-Tennessee date rape, just after everyone had changed the channel to watch the Rangers stick a fork in the Yankees. Here's how it went down.

4-1 QB sneak for 2 yards to 18 yard line
1-10 rush for 6 to 12
2-4 rush for 3 to 9
3-1 rush for 0 to 9
4-1 QB sneak for 2 to 7
1-7 rush for 3 to 4
2-4 rush for 1 to 3
3-3 pass incomplete, PENALTY on TEN, offsides, 2 yards
3-1 pass incomplete
4-1 pass INTERCEPTED

Football genius

You may be asking yourself "How did this team beat the Colts?" Steve Young asked that same question last night. There are two parts to the answer. The first is turnovers. If Reggie Wayne holds onto the ball in the red zone, Colts win. If Brody Eldridge catches the ball at the 1, Colts win. They didn't: Result, an INT, a fumble, a loss. The second is the fact that the Jaguars owner, Wayne Weaver, hates the Colts. In the SB last year, he was hopping around cheering in the luxury box when the Colts lost. His mission, every year, is to beat the Colts. His team sees it as their Super Bowl. If they go 2-14 but sweep the Colts, Weaver calls it a success. Of course, this may explain why they never beat anybody else.

And we're back!

One last note on Addai: How bitter is it when a single player beats both your fantasy team and your NFL team? I don't know. But Cary does.

Oh, and in case I had garnered a reputation as a swindler, I'd like to point out that the Haitian Sensation burnt DeAngelo Hall (10 yards off) and LaRon Landry for a 57 yard TD pass. I mean he looked like a DeLorean laying flaming skid marks on the turf.

Pictured: LaRon Landry (left) and DeAngelo Hall (right)

Not to mention THIS.

"GET OVER HERE!"

CrabAppleCove Surgeons 33
Mandalore Ori'ramikade 29

It absolutely baffles me how the Mandalore Ori'ramikade (MO) didn't win this game. 9 TDs vs 2 TDs. I understand that there are more stats than simply this, but I don't see how anything trumps 9 TDs to 2 TDs. Of course, when a space alien picks off your starting QB twice in one game, it doesn't help your cause.

E.J. Henderson

Still, just look at the box score. You have to wonder how the Surgeons did it, and not just by a point, but by 4 points. The answer, really, is on defense and special teams. About 14 points vs. 4. Dan Carpenter scored 730 points for the surgeons. That's insane. A 50 yarder and two +40 yarders, and you're beating the shit out of Chris Johnson's 131 total yards and TD.

And I'm not kidding about E.J. Henderson.

I mean, look at him.

Fort Wayne Hurricanes 35
Abbasid Caliphs 37

Karma. It's a beautiful thing. The fantasy football gods don't like cheaters.

Greg Jennings returns from the dead. Karma. Drew Brees finally lights up the scoreboard. Karma. Osi Umenyiora goes prison rape on the Lions and wipes his dick on Barry Sanders' HoF bust.

Karma

Matt Forte ran the ball 8 times against the Seahawks while Jay Cutler threw it 39 times. The Bears aren't the Colts, or even the Broncos, and they're definitely not the '99 Rams. Mike Martz needs a reality check. Karma!

Dwayne Bowe finally plays like a professional (108 YDS, 2 TDs). Brandon Marshall lights up the Packers. Braylon Edwards catches a TD. Heath Miller gets Ben Rapistberger back and hauls in a TD. But you lose! Karma!

"Hello, ladies."

Congratulations goes out to Tim, who has pulled the greatest turnaround in fantasy history. Something like 0-3 to 4-2 in one season. We here at the Sports Bunny don't care for math either.

We prefer fantasy!!! FALCOR, YAAAAAA!!!

Syriac Miaphysites 30.86
Stone Town Sultans 30.20

Jeff was a Bret Favre appendage away from winning this game.

"Wanna see me go deep?"

 But he lost, and now he's trapped in a hole at 1-5.

"Hey there, Jeff."

Give him a linebacker that scores anything but -0.1 and he wins this game. Play Rashard Mendenhall (377) instead of LeSean McCoy (257) and he wins this game. It's tough to let go of RB talent, but leaving points on the bench week after week would start to piss me off, especially at 1-5. Top RBs carry trade value, and a big trade could bring in a top WR or TE that could actually score points on Sunday. There is something to be said for security against bye weeks and injuries, especially at this point in the season, but leaving a top 10 RB on the bench every week has got to get old.

Special teams and defense again made the difference. About 10 points to 8. It isn't a huge gap, but the score was so close that, really, it's the size of Jeff's head. <3

That does it for this week! Thanks for reading. Be sure to leave comments! The Madden Pick 'Ems will be out tonight or tomorrow. In the mean time, book your tickets for commercial space travel.

You Can Call This The New World Order of Fantasy Football, Brother!

Hulkamania is dead, brother, and a New World Order is taking over fantasy football. I took my vitamins, said my prayers, and trained hard; I stood by all those Hulkamaniacs, and all I've got to show for it is a lousy 1-4 record. So I tell you what, Mean Gene, all those fans, all those little Hulkamaniacs, all those prayers and vitamins, can stick it! So I've got just one question for you. What'chya gonna do, brother, when Hollywood Hulk Hogan runs wild on you?!

Big News @ 12:00

The foundations of the Fantasy Football universe will be shaken tonight! A new force will take the league by storm! You don't want to miss this for anything. Be here at 12:00 tonight to find out the big news!

Madden Pick 'Ems: Week 6

Last week: 6-8

Browns (1-4) at Steelers (3-1) The 2010 Pittsburgh Steelers might be the best team in the NFL.

Chargers (2-3) at Rams (2-3) The 2010 San Diego Chargers are a team you pick to win because you pick 'em to win.

Chiefs (3-1) at Texans (3-2) The 2010 Kansas City Chiefs are a young, underrated football team.

Colts (3-2) at Redskins (3-2) When the 2010 Indianapolis Colts are clicking on all cylinders, they are the best team in the NFL.

Cowboys (1-3) at Vikings (1-3) The 2010 Minnesota Vikings can beat anyone in the NFL when they play a full 60 minute football game.

Dolphins (2-2) at Packers (3-2) The 2010 Green Bay Packers are a talented but underachieving football team.

Falcons (4-1) at Eagles (3-2) The 2010 Atlanta Falcons find ways to win football games.

Jets (4-1) at Broncos (2-3) The 2010 New York Jets can run, pass, and play defense. They don't turn the football over and their coach is a good size.

Lions (1-4) at Giants (3-2) The 2010 New York Giants are a surprising football team. Never count these guys out.

Raiders (2-3) at 49ers (0-5) The 2010 San Fransisco 49ers are good on paper...and on turducken!

Ravens (4-1) at Patriots (3-1) The 2010 Baltimore Ravens have the best dancing linebacker in the NFL.

Saints (3-2) at Buccaneers (3-1) The 2010 Tampa Bay Buccaneers are an unlikely 3-1 football team, but don't underestimate their desire.

Seahawks (2-2) at Bears (4-1) The 2010 Chicago Bears can win games with their defense.

Mon: Titans (3-2) at Jaguars (3-2) The 2010 Tennessee Titans are great at running the football and rushing the passer without blitzing.

Byes: Bengals (2-3), Bills (0-5), Cardinals (3-2), Panthers (0-5)

Fantasy Football Recap: Week 5

This was the week of the ass-kickers vs. the ass-kickees.

4-0 vs. 1-3
4-0 vs. 0-4
3-1 vs. 0-4
3-1 vs. 1-3
3-1 vs. 2-2
3-1 vs. 0-4

20-4 vs. 4-20. Something had to give.

I won't reference the "Miracle on Ice" since I did that last week and double dipping so soon seems like cheating. Instead, this should suffice to capture the spirit of the week.

Don't worry, Eric. I didn't forget about you.

18-1

Shomer Shabbos (4-0) Dave Boyer 45

Runnin' Wild Hulkamaniacs (1-3) Brandon Harnish 39

As the disgruntled and misty eyed owner of what I still consider to be a championship contender in the Hulkamaniacs, let me defend my boys by saying we've suffered from a bit of bad luck. We've never scored below 31 points, but we've "given up" over 40 in all of our loses but one, the exception being a 34-33 nut suck of a game.

Hulkamania, noooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

I'll admit, I'm writing this intro before MNF, where LT, Randy Moss, Dustin Keller, Shaun Ellis, and Ryan Longwell will do their thing. I could win this game (long shot though it is). But I feel like the football gods are in on this one. Last night, Vernon Davis had about 3 yards at halftime. After 49er fans started throwing feces at Alex Smith, the duo exploded for 104 yards and a TD. Watch Ryan Longwell have one of those classic "I get paid millions to kick a ball between two posts but tonight I'm just not feeling it" implosions. Or watch the game devolve into a 16-14 shit-slop spectacular. If I win this game and the East London Adventurers hold on tonight (which is very likely), it will mean that every team with a losing record pulled the upset. It's a 6 team parlay. The odds are probably worse than 40-1.

Never tell me the odds.

After the game...

Joe Flacco somehow scored 497, even though he only threw for 196 yards with 1 rushing TD.

Philip Rivers fumbled twice, too busy wrapping his hands around his neck to wrap them around the football. Three times this year Rivers has had the ball in the 4th quarter with a chance to win the game and three times he has flopped - makes me wish he hadn't hurt his ACL in 2007 vs. the Colts. Damn you Billy Volek. Rivers technically scored -181 points, given that he finished with 737 but gave Malcom Floyd (on the Shabbos) 918. The Hulkamaniacs had their own rape-u-thru-the-air receiver in Hakeem Nicks (130 YDS, 2 TDs, 940). Nicks, by the way, was plucked off the waiver tree in week 2. Reggie Wayne, brought in via trade, had 370 points, which more or less offset the 403 by the injured Andre Johnson.

Donald Driver and Randy "Your hair makes you look like a girl" Moss went head to head. Moss won.

DeAngelo Williams stunk up the place with 229 points and that's all I'm going to say about that. His opposition, Jahvid Best, struggled with turf toe and managed 364. Meanwhile, LaDainian Tomlinson is shaping up to be the greatest ever 10th round draft pick (326). In other news, Ryan Longwell is getting fired. No FG attempts means no effin' job.

The Shabbos won the linebacker battle 335-204. The Hulkamaniacs won the punting battle 304-285. And the Farve-Moss connection wasn't enough to get it done. Keller was the killer, though. 2 receptions for 14 yards loses games.

That's the story of how Hulkamania died and a gay robot beat Han Solo.

THE ODDS WIN!

The scene on the field was an ugly one... Shit's gonna get crazy later today. Stay tuned.

Philly Spider's Squad (0-4) Ian Johnston 48

Gotham Knights (4-0) Corey Palmer 38

Upset!

King Corey and his Knights have fallen!

Mommy!

The 0-4 Spiders pulled the upset of the week over the 4-0 Knights. Kyle Orton and Terrell Owens scored the big points (745 and 650, respectively), and everyone else chipped in with solid performances. Steven Jackson had a nice 114 yard day for 336. Cedric Benson ran for 144 and a two point conversion, 456. Ryan Torain was an intelligent start, but he'll likely go the way of Brandon Jackson, reminding us that being black isn't a substitute for actual talent (40 YDS, 282). Calvin Johnson had 54 yards and a TD - almost 2 - for 376. Chris Cooley grabbed a whole bunch of balls. The defense put up some nice numbers and even Jay Feeley made 3 FGs. Remember when he missed 3 game winners in a row? All around effort FTW.

Not this year.

The Knights were 4-0 for a reason, though. They scored 38 points and didn't go down lightly. Michael Bush found playing time and put up the numbers we knew he could (104 YDS, TD, 525). Luckily for Miles Austin, there's no column for dropped passes that turn into INTs, so he looked flawless with 166 yards and a TD for 882 points. Steve Smith had 89 yards and a TD for 522. The killers were Fred Jackson with 177, Dallas Clark with 145, and Eddie Royal with 206. Who would have thought a gimpy dog could outscore Eddie Royal?

Gimpy dog, on the bench

It also didn't help matters that Ronde Barber went to a Carson Palmer INT buffet and didn't partake in the feast.

Patrick Willis is normally a top ranked linebacker, and more than likely he will be when the year is done. But I haven't been too impressed with him so far. Though he did have a vicious 4th down goal line tackle against the Saints a few weeks ago, last night he was the invisible man and his 204 points remind us of that fact. 

So what did we learn from this game? Ian wasn't kidding when he said that Philly was going to show up this week. The sun is definitely shining in Philadelphia.

Team Stewie (3-1) Cary Brown 26

Syriac Miaphysites (0-4) Johnathon Ralston | Timothy LaBarbera 30

Upset!

A rather unspectacular game, the equivalent of a late season Sorgi Bowl, at least until the last half of MNF where Harvin and Favre skeet skeet skeeted all over the Jet Jet Jets. Favre: 264 YDS, 3TDs, TAINT. Harvin: 97 YDS, 2 TDs. By the way, the line was the Jets by 4.5. They were up 2 when Favre threw the pick 6. In keeping with this week's theme, that was a miracle cover.

As a reviewer, you never like to see "empty" in a position slot. Cary tells me that a technical problem on ESPN.com is to blame. I believe him, and it wouldn't have mattered much anyways. Plug Garcon in there and it's 26 points instead of 23. Still not enough.

Team Stewie struggled in all areas but TE; Antonio Gates put up 500 points. At RB, the effort was black hole abysmal. Cadillac Williams and Marion Barber scored under 100 points. Frank Gore fumbled the ball twice. At WR, the point total was 208. And everyone else sucked too. With 23 total points, there isn't much left to say.

     
At long last, the Syriac Miaphysites enter the win column. Thanks be to Tim for taking over John's team. We all understand how stressful and difficult it can be managing a fantasy football team, what with Educational Ministries being such a challenging major. It takes a lot of prayers, vitamins, and training. We here at the Sports Bunny wish John the best. Don't work too hard, buddy.

Other than Favre and Harvin, the only others performances worth mentioning were NIU alum Michael Turner's 140 yards, Larry Fitzgerald's 93 yards, and Brent Celek's 47 yards and TD: 313, 327, 455.

Don't expect Cary to care too much, though...

The Redskins won. Hail! Hail! Hail!

CrabAppleCove Surgeons (3-1) Eric Sell 28

Fort Wayne Hurricanes (1-3) Josh Koiner 46

Upset!
 
Hello, Matt Forte! Someone came out of hibernation (166 YDS, 2 TDS, and 2 REC for 22 YDS, 791.9). Good thing for the Bears (and Hurricanes) that he did, because the corpse of Todd Collins threw 6 completions to 4 interceptions. That's a bad TD/INT ratio, let alone completion/INT ratio. To put it in perspective, Peyton Manning was 393/16 in 2009.

Ray Rice (133 YDS, 2 TDs, and 4 REC for 26 YDS, 729.5) pounded Denver like a rapist bear.

Actual footage

Things didn't go too well for the Surgeons. Roddy White had a sexy game, and so did Danny Amendola (who?), but Kevin Walter, Jermichael Finley (injured), Trent Cole, Curtis Lofton, Brandon Meriweather (bye), and Billy Cundiff all scored under 161 points. Mighty Mouse MJD managed only 271 against the 85' Bears. Oh, did I say 85' Bears? I meant the Bills.

Head coach of the 49ers, pictured bottom right

East London Adventurers (2-2) Jeff Hirschy 28(52.1)

Mandalore Ori'ramikad (3-1) Jordan Binkerd 28(76.3)

I'm going to start with a question: How can CJ2K rush for 131 yards, pick up 2 TDs, and only score 493 points? Yes, he had a fumble, but it seems strange that a performance like that was basically doubled by Hakeem Nicks, who had 130 yards receiving and 2 TDs for 940. It's also a little freakin' rediculous that Joe Flacco scored 497 with only 196 passing yards, 20 rushing yards, and 1 TD. These numbers fail the eyeball test.

On to the game...

Hey-Zeus! This was the closest game of the week and possibly of the season. Last night the score was 2876.3 to 2832.1...and then it got closer...

And closer...

On the side of the Ori'ramikad, the biggest surprise was Anquan Boldin being held to 8 yards on 1 reception for 51.5 points; Champ Baily is still a monster. Just know it's always a gamble when you start no. 1 receivers against Revis, Asomugha, and Baily.

But at least this dude isn't around anymore.

Tony Romo would have left this game at a more reasonable distance if he hadn't lost 300 points from interceptions. You only get 60 for a passing TD! That kills. That's utterly devastating. I'd love to see how the outcomes of these games would change under the standard scoring format. Hell, I'd probably be 0-5. But it'd still be interesting. Can it be done?

Marcedes Lewis caught two TD passes for 54 yards (496). TIME OUT. Marcedes? Okay, did his parents mean to name him after the car but eff up the spelling? Seriously, Marcedes? Anyways...

Everyone on the ELA put up pedestrian numbers. Matty Ice was ice cold (187 YDS, TD, FUML, 355.1). Arian Foster, Dez Bryant, and Chad Ochocinco all had less than 30 total yards. Adrian Peterson had a chance to win this game on MNF. I remember that sometime during the game he dropped a pass. If he makes the catch, even for 0 yards, this game goes the other way. Yeah, it was that close.

Too close!

By the way, if you ever need an image of the Colts horseshoe, just Google "so close" and select clip art...

*sigh*

Abbasid Caliphs (0-4) Timothy LaBarbera 37

Marion Federation (3-1) Wesley Williams 35

Upset!

The Madden Curse showed no mercy to the Abbasid Caliphs' QB; Drew Brees scored a meager 264 with 3 INTs against the piddly but somehow 3-2 Arizona Cardinals. Marion's Peyton Manning didn't fare much better. 2 fewer INTs, but no touchdowns against a surprisingly difficult Kansas City defense.

How bad was Drew Brees? Here is his owner on the matter, before and after Brees' pick 6 with 30 seconds left in the game:

Timothy LaBarbera (Oct 10 6:31 PM): Brees better do something with this drive

Timothy LaBarbera (Oct 10 6:31 PM): or might completely lose my sanity

*Pick 6*

Timothy LaBarbera (Oct 10 6:41 PM): GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

At RB, both teams settled for the ugly girl. Flat chested, no ass, pig nose. Joe Addai was body slammed midway through the first half and never returned. Correll Buckhalter is on one of the worst running teams in football, and he had 13 yards to remind us, just in case we forgot. Jamaal Charles had 87 yards rushing against a Colts linebacking corp that's still in preseason mode. But Antoine Bethea is in jack-ur-ass mode. He channeled his inner Bob Sanders and launched into Charles for a nasty forced fumble. As for Ryan Matthews, it's too soon to call him a bust, but injury issues this early are not a good sign.

I'm not sayin'. I'm just sayin'.

At WR, things got a little hotter. Big tits, nice ass, pelvis crushing thighs. Brandon Lloyd had a monster game for the Caliphs (135 YDS, 2 TDs, 800.4). Santana Moss and Roy Williams responded for Marion with 500 points a piece. But Mark Clayton suffered a season ending injury, which is a definite blow to the Abbasid depth chart.

Too bad for the Marion Federation INTs don't get style points. Julius Peppers' pick against his old team was just sick. I give it an 800.

At any rate, a nice week from Tim. Two wins from your two teams is pretty sweet...even if neither of them scored as much as the Hulkamaniacs...GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

That wraps it up!

Thanks for reading. In case you didn't notice, Sunday was a special day. It was 10-10-10. So I ask: What rating did Billy Bob give Miss Davis' strip tease?

Perfection

If you haven't watched Varsity Blues, go watch it now. And then come back for the Madden Pick 'Ems, and the earth shattering news that will rock the foundations of our fantasy league.